Tuesday, 25 January 2011

Raw thoughts

• It was good to see the problems between Edge and the anonymous Raw general manager were not glossed over

• That Over-the-Top Rope challenge did wonders for the credibility of Drew McIntyre, Jack Swagger and Tyson Kidd, didn’t it?

• CM Punk’s hair has reached that tricky between-stages bit. I like his new recruit, Mason Ryan, though. He looks like one tough bastard

• So Corre and Nexus had a staredown. Bit of an anticlimax, wasn’t it?

• John Cena said rectum on PG TV. Can you say rectum on PG TV?

• Natalya retained her Divas Title with a victory over bendy Melina. She’ll face Lay-Cool at the Royal Rumble. I wonder if Awesome Kong will debut?

• Daniel Bryan and Gail Kim are an item. After hanging around with the Bellas, it’s clear he has a thing for Raw non-entities

• Jerry Lawler’s one-liners are superb, especially the barbs aimed at Vickie Guerrero

• Edge v The Miz was a very entertaining match. They delivered in the ring and Dolph Ziggler delivered at the announce table

• Randy Orton stymied Edge’s post-match beatdown. Rated-RKO will face Ziggler and Miz on SmackDown. Yay!

• It seems Husky Harris and Michael McGillicutty will get a shot at the tag titles. Good. I’m yet to be sold on McGillicutty but Harris is awesome

• Why has Michael Tarver become omnipresent?

• Punk v Wade Barrett, refereed by John Cena, was a peculiar mix of crap and cracking. Both Corre and Nexus are in the Rumble, a match I reckon Punk will win.

• The final Raw before the Rumble ended with a massive brawl in the ring. Who’d a thunk it?

Sunday, 23 January 2011

SmackDown thoughts

• The Corre has all bases covered: main-event talent (Wade Barrett), high-flying entertainer (Justin Gabriel), muscular enforcer (Ezekiel Jackson) and, just like Girls Aloud, a ginger to round off the group (Heath Slater)

• Michael Tarver was in the background when Teddy Long was receiving treatment. When the hell did he move to the blue brand?

• That number-heavy Royal Rumble vignette is getting tedious now. We get the same thing every year

• Layla is hot, can wrestle and is amazing at getting beaten up. Three qualities I always look for in a woman

• How did Beth Phoenix not expose her norks during her match with Layla?

• Courtesy of the WWE vault, we had two R-Truth matches to enjoy on Friday night. I bet members of the IWC were rejoicing

• Rey Mysterio’s high winning ratio wears thin after a while – but I cannot remember the last time I did not enjoy one of his matches

• Why do all Americans call the thing you look in a “meer”?

• Jack Swagger completed an amateur-wrestling challenge without being clocked by his opponent midway through it

• I want to marry Kelly Kelly. Okay, not marry, because I believe wedlock is an antiquated protocol, but just gaze at daily and perhaps kiss her now and again. And when it’s my birthday, get to touch her bum. That would be good

• Whenever a wrestler chants “Get out of my ring”, it never ceases to make me laugh

• Due to a demanding girlfriend, I did not see the main event, though I know that Edge and Justin Gabriel were in it. If anyone out there is reading this, and I have serious doubts about that, please let me know what went down. Marks will be given for both accuracy and gusto

Dec the dick, Tash the tittilator

Old Declan Napier, while always having a bit of an edge, was a decent bloke. He put his family and friends first and worked hard to forge a career, first as an AFL star and, when that dream died, as a junior in the murky world of business. He also showed wit, intelligence and had an aura of coolness.

The new incarnation of Declan Napier, however, is a massive bellend. All the good qualities that previous Dec exuded have not transferred to the new guy. This bloke is not witty, intelligent and cool, he is dull, moody and irritating.

This week the suited-and-booted dickhead, still pining for teenage mother hen Kate, spent virtually all his time trying to sabotage her blossoming relationship with dishy detective Mark Brennan.

First, he said the Erinsborough cop had threatened him and then, after being accidentally clocked by Lucas during a sparring session, made out that the shiner adorning his cheek had been inflicted by Brennan.

An initial believer that her love interest was a wrong'un, Kate swiftly realised it was in fact Dec who was the vindictive little sod, and ended the week smooching her man from the fuzz in front of his wolf-whistling colleagues - once she had removed her girly cycling helmet, of course.

Elsewhere, after much deliberation, Sonya decided to take up Toadie's offer and move in with the goatee-bearded lawyer and his comical adopted son Callum. However, having got wind of storylines currently airing in Oz, I predict a tricky future for the family. The next few months should be well worth a watch.

Naughty Natasha was finally exposed as the highjacker of the school social money, after her dad caught her shelling out a fortune on a DVD player for the Steph-deprived Scullys. It's not just money that Tash has taken, she has also stolen my heart, courtesy of her penchant for cleavage-hugging jumpers and arse-gripping jeans.

The senior Williams, Michael, had his mind on matters other than just his daughter's criminality, namely Ruud van Nistelrooy-faced Rebecca. They adore each other, you see, but because leaving the nefarious Paul could result in Bec's son spending time behind bars - let Declan rot, sweetheart, as we've already established, he's a cretin - love's middle-aged dream cannot be together. While Rebecca renewed her wedding vows to a man she despises - a man who, in a non-gay way, I cherish - Michael looked on longingly, wishing it was he who was taking her up the aisle.

That was my poorly-written synopsis of recent goings on in Erinsborough. Hope you liked it, though I’m sure you didn't. The vapid-sounding raisin toast on sale at Harold's is probably more flavoursome than anything I could ever hope to pen.