Tuesday, 25 January 2011

Raw thoughts

• It was good to see the problems between Edge and the anonymous Raw general manager were not glossed over

• That Over-the-Top Rope challenge did wonders for the credibility of Drew McIntyre, Jack Swagger and Tyson Kidd, didn’t it?

• CM Punk’s hair has reached that tricky between-stages bit. I like his new recruit, Mason Ryan, though. He looks like one tough bastard

• So Corre and Nexus had a staredown. Bit of an anticlimax, wasn’t it?

• John Cena said rectum on PG TV. Can you say rectum on PG TV?

• Natalya retained her Divas Title with a victory over bendy Melina. She’ll face Lay-Cool at the Royal Rumble. I wonder if Awesome Kong will debut?

• Daniel Bryan and Gail Kim are an item. After hanging around with the Bellas, it’s clear he has a thing for Raw non-entities

• Jerry Lawler’s one-liners are superb, especially the barbs aimed at Vickie Guerrero

• Edge v The Miz was a very entertaining match. They delivered in the ring and Dolph Ziggler delivered at the announce table

• Randy Orton stymied Edge’s post-match beatdown. Rated-RKO will face Ziggler and Miz on SmackDown. Yay!

• It seems Husky Harris and Michael McGillicutty will get a shot at the tag titles. Good. I’m yet to be sold on McGillicutty but Harris is awesome

• Why has Michael Tarver become omnipresent?

• Punk v Wade Barrett, refereed by John Cena, was a peculiar mix of crap and cracking. Both Corre and Nexus are in the Rumble, a match I reckon Punk will win.

• The final Raw before the Rumble ended with a massive brawl in the ring. Who’d a thunk it?

Sunday, 23 January 2011

SmackDown thoughts

• The Corre has all bases covered: main-event talent (Wade Barrett), high-flying entertainer (Justin Gabriel), muscular enforcer (Ezekiel Jackson) and, just like Girls Aloud, a ginger to round off the group (Heath Slater)

• Michael Tarver was in the background when Teddy Long was receiving treatment. When the hell did he move to the blue brand?

• That number-heavy Royal Rumble vignette is getting tedious now. We get the same thing every year

• Layla is hot, can wrestle and is amazing at getting beaten up. Three qualities I always look for in a woman

• How did Beth Phoenix not expose her norks during her match with Layla?

• Courtesy of the WWE vault, we had two R-Truth matches to enjoy on Friday night. I bet members of the IWC were rejoicing

• Rey Mysterio’s high winning ratio wears thin after a while – but I cannot remember the last time I did not enjoy one of his matches

• Why do all Americans call the thing you look in a “meer”?

• Jack Swagger completed an amateur-wrestling challenge without being clocked by his opponent midway through it

• I want to marry Kelly Kelly. Okay, not marry, because I believe wedlock is an antiquated protocol, but just gaze at daily and perhaps kiss her now and again. And when it’s my birthday, get to touch her bum. That would be good

• Whenever a wrestler chants “Get out of my ring”, it never ceases to make me laugh

• Due to a demanding girlfriend, I did not see the main event, though I know that Edge and Justin Gabriel were in it. If anyone out there is reading this, and I have serious doubts about that, please let me know what went down. Marks will be given for both accuracy and gusto

Dec the dick, Tash the tittilator

Old Declan Napier, while always having a bit of an edge, was a decent bloke. He put his family and friends first and worked hard to forge a career, first as an AFL star and, when that dream died, as a junior in the murky world of business. He also showed wit, intelligence and had an aura of coolness.

The new incarnation of Declan Napier, however, is a massive bellend. All the good qualities that previous Dec exuded have not transferred to the new guy. This bloke is not witty, intelligent and cool, he is dull, moody and irritating.

This week the suited-and-booted dickhead, still pining for teenage mother hen Kate, spent virtually all his time trying to sabotage her blossoming relationship with dishy detective Mark Brennan.

First, he said the Erinsborough cop had threatened him and then, after being accidentally clocked by Lucas during a sparring session, made out that the shiner adorning his cheek had been inflicted by Brennan.

An initial believer that her love interest was a wrong'un, Kate swiftly realised it was in fact Dec who was the vindictive little sod, and ended the week smooching her man from the fuzz in front of his wolf-whistling colleagues - once she had removed her girly cycling helmet, of course.

Elsewhere, after much deliberation, Sonya decided to take up Toadie's offer and move in with the goatee-bearded lawyer and his comical adopted son Callum. However, having got wind of storylines currently airing in Oz, I predict a tricky future for the family. The next few months should be well worth a watch.

Naughty Natasha was finally exposed as the highjacker of the school social money, after her dad caught her shelling out a fortune on a DVD player for the Steph-deprived Scullys. It's not just money that Tash has taken, she has also stolen my heart, courtesy of her penchant for cleavage-hugging jumpers and arse-gripping jeans.

The senior Williams, Michael, had his mind on matters other than just his daughter's criminality, namely Ruud van Nistelrooy-faced Rebecca. They adore each other, you see, but because leaving the nefarious Paul could result in Bec's son spending time behind bars - let Declan rot, sweetheart, as we've already established, he's a cretin - love's middle-aged dream cannot be together. While Rebecca renewed her wedding vows to a man she despises - a man who, in a non-gay way, I cherish - Michael looked on longingly, wishing it was he who was taking her up the aisle.

That was my poorly-written synopsis of recent goings on in Erinsborough. Hope you liked it, though I’m sure you didn't. The vapid-sounding raisin toast on sale at Harold's is probably more flavoursome than anything I could ever hope to pen.

Wednesday, 25 August 2010

Transport taboos

Heed this advice residents of Ramsay Street: steer clear of motorbikes. In all my years of watching Neighbours, nothing good has ever come of donning the leathers, plonking on a crash helmet and going on a two-tyred jaunt.

Erinsborough's inhabitants have enough trouble staying safe in the confines of a car - see the now-defunct Bridget Parker and magnificently norked Dionne "Dee" Bliss - and when the number of wheels on the vehicle is decreased by half, peril becomes doubly likely.

Just a few months back, Lucas went biking, crashed into a lorry and almost paralysed himself for life, Libby's fruitless ambition of spawning children is the fault of her scootering experience, and now Dan, just like his ex-wife, is unable to procreate all because he thought sitting on a saddle and blitzing his way down the open road was a sterling idea. It wasn't. He tumbled into a tree, got an infection in hospital and now his balls don't work.

The tragic turn of events has prompted Steph to inform the stricken Fitzgerald that he is the father of her unborn bambino. Whether or not she goes through with the tell-all, this saga of carnal blunders, paternal perjury, sham marriages and deceit amongst friends is about to unravel.

Libby wanted to cheer up her former flame by sending him a present, but she could not decide whether flowers or fruit would be the best gift. Flowers? Fruit? Dan is a man. Ship him a Top Gear box set, some beer or a year's supply of porn. Alright, maybe not the beer.

KerPlunk would even be an acceptable bounty. I always like a bit of marble-on-plastic rod action when I'm feeling under the weather. Coincidentally, I'm spending most of my nights playing the game at the moment. Not because I'm planning to enter an international KerPlunk competition, I just can't sleep, what with images of Paul and Diana's salacious tryst imbued in my brain.

Monday, 23 August 2010

Makeovers, Mel and madness

I quite like Summer's appearance - her long fringe and tomboyish dress sense really differentiates her from many fashion-conscious young women. As a result, I find Miss Hoyland pretty captivating and sexy.

Noxious Natasha doesn't share my view, however, and made it her mission to give the horror-loving teen a makeover. She wanted to doll up her schoolmate so that her boyfriend, the terribly dreary Chris Pappas, would be turned on. Considering how wooden he is, though, Summer could dance provocatively around him wearing nothing but nipple tassels and he'd just about be able to raise a tentative smile.

Foxy Mel made her return to the show on Monday, as part of the Pirate Net strike saga, and I really wish producers would utilise her more regularly. Since the blonde glamourpuss has been away, the radio station's audience has transferred from a hip, underground group to one full of sexless nerds and shoe-obsessed adolescent girls, as emphasised during Donna's fill-in stint as a DJ.

Pirate Net owner Paul has even bigger problems than a geeky listnership - he has now realised that his golden boy Andrew was the muppet who unintentionally informed the savvy Diana Marshall that he had been embezzling. To say he is in a huff would be a dramatic understatement.

Judging by the trailer at the start of Monday's show, Paul will aim to rectify his problem by dipping his wick in his New York-based boss. "Urgh," was the noise that emanated from my mouth as well.

Monday, 16 August 2010

Is it the Italians?

Susan's stalking has got even more vigorous over the last few days. Mrs. Kennedy's hater is still sending her frightful text messages and e-mails but he/she has now also resorted to following the former teacher home, resulting in Dr. Karl's wife undertaking an awkward, middle-aged woman jog to get back to her abode quicker in the hope of avoiding doom.

Who is behind this morally-reprehensible act of petrifying a feeble female? I think I know. Dark-coloured car, four doors, driver acting suspiciously. It's the Mafia, isn't it? I'm not quite sure what Susan has done to so severely irk the criminal underworld, but if she wakes up with a horse's head next to her on the pillow, my beliefs will have been proved correct.

Still, an equine skull would surely be an improvement on seeing Karl's visage every morning, he says, while a plethora of randy housewives across the land vehemently disagree.

Another member of the Kennedy household was in the action today, in the form of the vest-loving Ringo Brown. After much cajoling from his attractive girlriend Donna, local grease monkey Lucas, new Declan and a surprisingly charismatic skeleton, the Beatle-named builder decided to put down his pickaxe, shun his shovel and resubmit himself into paramedic school.

I suppose saving people's lives is more rewarding than digging a hole or tightening a nut (as you can see, I know very little about the world of construction), but I couldn't care less which career Frazer's little brother adopts - as long as it keeps him away from his guitar!

Saturday, 22 May 2010

Sex, ties and...spectacles

I am devastated at the moment. Not because a family member has perished or because Charlton failed to advance through the League One play-offs (although I must admit that does still irk me). No, I am upset because Karl Kennedy's distinctive reading glasses are gone. Blown to smithereens in a blender, those red monstrosities are no more.

Dr K's shocking garb is now restricted to his patterned golfing jumpers. He donned an atrocious baby blue one this week on his 18-hole round with Susan at Erinsborough's local golf club.

At one point, Karl's wife even compared him to Tiger Woods. I've always thought there were similarities between the skin-flint Kennedy patriarch and the world's premier golfer - more to do with their womanising natures than their abilities with a 9 iron, however.

Elsewhere, I was shocked - and a little disturbed - to see that Toadie's impressive tie rack hangs above his bed. What sort of ornament is that? Couldn't he find a pretty picture of waves rippling against a bay? Oh yeah, Dee died in that environment. Sorry mate, my apologies.

Another of the big stories - yes, I'm counting the the tie-rack saga as a big story - was the continued strife in Kate and Declan's relationship. The dancing Ramsay got all flustered when Napier tried to deliver her his pork sword and as a result, the pair spent much of the week trying to figure out what the other wanted from their union.

It comes as no surprise to me that Dec and his fair maiden aren't getting down to some jiggy jiggy. Kate is very attractive but I just don't see her as a sexual being. She needs to learn how to be a slut - perhaps blue box-owning Susan could teach her.