An Erinsborough Christmas

A February tradition was upheld this week as the Yuletide episodes of Neighbours were broadcast in the UK. Nearly every character was getting into the festive mood - archenemies Rebecca and Lyn fought tooth and nail to win the Christmas Spirit competition, an accolade the latter accrued, seemingly because she was more of an embracer of other religions, Paul "Pegleg" Robinson dressed up as an elf, and even Dr. Karl - a skinflint for most of the year - loosened his purse strings to give his long-suffering wife Susy K a jaunt on a horse and cart.

But surely the most cringeworthy Noel-based nonsense was Harry, Kate and Sophie belting out "We Wish You a Ramsay Christmas." The girls' rendition was bad enough but the last line of the festive ditty took the biscuit when lanky Harry - being driven back to his terribly lax foster home - popped his head out of the car window and ended the tune with ".....and a Ramsay New Year." I could do nothing but recoil in horror.

Of course, not everything revolved around seasonal joy. Dopey Dan exited the street to start a new life - as an English teacher in Sydney I believe - but not before banging Steph and having a final row with his soon-to-be ex-wife Libby.

So desperate to leave Erinsborough was he, Fitzy didn't even find time to bid farewell to his brother. That, in addition to being dumped over the phone by journalistic high-flyer Elle, sent Lucas over the edge. He donned himself in leather, put on his out-of-fashion crash helmet and goggles, revved up his motorbike, rode too fast and careered into the back of a lorry. He might die but in true Neighbours style, the scruffy grease moneky will probably just endure a period of temporary paralysis.

In a swift recount of other news, Paul married Rebecca, unaware that ex-spouse Lyn still wants to get into his pants, Kate likes Declan, Declan likes Kate but memories of the now-defunct Bridget are scuppering their plans to fornicate, and Toadie's sweetheart Sonya is back on the scene, looking even hotter than before.

And finally, the schoolkids received their VCE scores. Some were great and some were solid, Declan's though, was not good enough. Never mind mate, I'm sure you'll be fine, your step-dad is loaded after all. The most intriguing part of the exam scores, however, was that they were sent out via text message. Times really are a changing.

Bankers, eh?

It has all been a bit morbid in Ramsay Street of late, hasn't it? Baby deaths, relationship breakdowns, curly-haired teenagers placed in foster care. Where are the jollities?

Oh hang on, this should be a laugh, Donna's just invented this season's must have - The Shrugalero. Off she trotted to the bank, and despite having no business nous, no money, no potential clients and no profit margins - yes I have been watching Dragons' Den - she did a fashion show and got her hands on some spondulix.

That must be how bankers worked prior to the credit crunch. Picture this.

Customer - Can I have a mortgage?
Banker - Can you afford one?
Customer - No, but I can burp the alphabet
Banker - Of course you can have a mortgage.

I know something Zeke cannot have - Sunny. Ms Lee has trundled back off to Korea after she realised that her family would never let her stay in Oz and Neighbours bosses realised she was an awful character. Her leaving party was fun though. The lead singer of her favourite band looked like an oriental Dennis Taylor.

Speaking of appearances, Harry has taken my advice and decided to implement the ankle sock into his dress code. If only Rebecca would take my advice and indulge in some naked wrestling with Steph, Libby and Donna.

However, my TV highlight of the week - a concept in no way stolen from Harry Hill - was when Harold's store worker Jamilla verbally rinsed Paul when he asked what cakes were on offer. Not only does the girl speak, but she does it with attitude.