An Erinsborough Christmas

A February tradition was upheld this week as the Yuletide episodes of Neighbours were broadcast in the UK. Nearly every character was getting into the festive mood - archenemies Rebecca and Lyn fought tooth and nail to win the Christmas Spirit competition, an accolade the latter accrued, seemingly because she was more of an embracer of other religions, Paul "Pegleg" Robinson dressed up as an elf, and even Dr. Karl - a skinflint for most of the year - loosened his purse strings to give his long-suffering wife Susy K a jaunt on a horse and cart.

But surely the most cringeworthy Noel-based nonsense was Harry, Kate and Sophie belting out "We Wish You a Ramsay Christmas." The girls' rendition was bad enough but the last line of the festive ditty took the biscuit when lanky Harry - being driven back to his terribly lax foster home - popped his head out of the car window and ended the tune with ".....and a Ramsay New Year." I could do nothing but recoil in horror.

Of course, not everything revolved around seasonal joy. Dopey Dan exited the street to start a new life - as an English teacher in Sydney I believe - but not before banging Steph and having a final row with his soon-to-be ex-wife Libby.

So desperate to leave Erinsborough was he, Fitzy didn't even find time to bid farewell to his brother. That, in addition to being dumped over the phone by journalistic high-flyer Elle, sent Lucas over the edge. He donned himself in leather, put on his out-of-fashion crash helmet and goggles, revved up his motorbike, rode too fast and careered into the back of a lorry. He might die but in true Neighbours style, the scruffy grease moneky will probably just endure a period of temporary paralysis.

In a swift recount of other news, Paul married Rebecca, unaware that ex-spouse Lyn still wants to get into his pants, Kate likes Declan, Declan likes Kate but memories of the now-defunct Bridget are scuppering their plans to fornicate, and Toadie's sweetheart Sonya is back on the scene, looking even hotter than before.

And finally, the schoolkids received their VCE scores. Some were great and some were solid, Declan's though, was not good enough. Never mind mate, I'm sure you'll be fine, your step-dad is loaded after all. The most intriguing part of the exam scores, however, was that they were sent out via text message. Times really are a changing.