Wednesday, 25 August 2010

Transport taboos

Heed this advice residents of Ramsay Street: steer clear of motorbikes. In all my years of watching Neighbours, nothing good has ever come of donning the leathers, plonking on a crash helmet and going on a two-tyred jaunt.

Erinsborough's inhabitants have enough trouble staying safe in the confines of a car - see the now-defunct Bridget Parker and magnificently norked Dionne "Dee" Bliss - and when the number of wheels on the vehicle is decreased by half, peril becomes doubly likely.

Just a few months back, Lucas went biking, crashed into a lorry and almost paralysed himself for life, Libby's fruitless ambition of spawning children is the fault of her scootering experience, and now Dan, just like his ex-wife, is unable to procreate all because he thought sitting on a saddle and blitzing his way down the open road was a sterling idea. It wasn't. He tumbled into a tree, got an infection in hospital and now his balls don't work.

The tragic turn of events has prompted Steph to inform the stricken Fitzgerald that he is the father of her unborn bambino. Whether or not she goes through with the tell-all, this saga of carnal blunders, paternal perjury, sham marriages and deceit amongst friends is about to unravel.

Libby wanted to cheer up her former flame by sending him a present, but she could not decide whether flowers or fruit would be the best gift. Flowers? Fruit? Dan is a man. Ship him a Top Gear box set, some beer or a year's supply of porn. Alright, maybe not the beer.

KerPlunk would even be an acceptable bounty. I always like a bit of marble-on-plastic rod action when I'm feeling under the weather. Coincidentally, I'm spending most of my nights playing the game at the moment. Not because I'm planning to enter an international KerPlunk competition, I just can't sleep, what with images of Paul and Diana's salacious tryst imbued in my brain.

Monday, 23 August 2010

Makeovers, Mel and madness

I quite like Summer's appearance - her long fringe and tomboyish dress sense really differentiates her from many fashion-conscious young women. As a result, I find Miss Hoyland pretty captivating and sexy.

Noxious Natasha doesn't share my view, however, and made it her mission to give the horror-loving teen a makeover. She wanted to doll up her schoolmate so that her boyfriend, the terribly dreary Chris Pappas, would be turned on. Considering how wooden he is, though, Summer could dance provocatively around him wearing nothing but nipple tassels and he'd just about be able to raise a tentative smile.

Foxy Mel made her return to the show on Monday, as part of the Pirate Net strike saga, and I really wish producers would utilise her more regularly. Since the blonde glamourpuss has been away, the radio station's audience has transferred from a hip, underground group to one full of sexless nerds and shoe-obsessed adolescent girls, as emphasised during Donna's fill-in stint as a DJ.

Pirate Net owner Paul has even bigger problems than a geeky listnership - he has now realised that his golden boy Andrew was the muppet who unintentionally informed the savvy Diana Marshall that he had been embezzling. To say he is in a huff would be a dramatic understatement.

Judging by the trailer at the start of Monday's show, Paul will aim to rectify his problem by dipping his wick in his New York-based boss. "Urgh," was the noise that emanated from my mouth as well.

Monday, 16 August 2010

Is it the Italians?

Susan's stalking has got even more vigorous over the last few days. Mrs. Kennedy's hater is still sending her frightful text messages and e-mails but he/she has now also resorted to following the former teacher home, resulting in Dr. Karl's wife undertaking an awkward, middle-aged woman jog to get back to her abode quicker in the hope of avoiding doom.

Who is behind this morally-reprehensible act of petrifying a feeble female? I think I know. Dark-coloured car, four doors, driver acting suspiciously. It's the Mafia, isn't it? I'm not quite sure what Susan has done to so severely irk the criminal underworld, but if she wakes up with a horse's head next to her on the pillow, my beliefs will have been proved correct.

Still, an equine skull would surely be an improvement on seeing Karl's visage every morning, he says, while a plethora of randy housewives across the land vehemently disagree.

Another member of the Kennedy household was in the action today, in the form of the vest-loving Ringo Brown. After much cajoling from his attractive girlriend Donna, local grease monkey Lucas, new Declan and a surprisingly charismatic skeleton, the Beatle-named builder decided to put down his pickaxe, shun his shovel and resubmit himself into paramedic school.

I suppose saving people's lives is more rewarding than digging a hole or tightening a nut (as you can see, I know very little about the world of construction), but I couldn't care less which career Frazer's little brother adopts - as long as it keeps him away from his guitar!