Sex, ties and...spectacles

I am devastated at the moment. Not because a family member has perished or because Charlton failed to advance through the League One play-offs (although I must admit that does still irk me). No, I am upset because Karl Kennedy's distinctive reading glasses are gone. Blown to smithereens in a blender, those red monstrosities are no more.

Dr K's shocking garb is now restricted to his patterned golfing jumpers. He donned an atrocious baby blue one this week on his 18-hole round with Susan at Erinsborough's local golf club.

At one point, Karl's wife even compared him to Tiger Woods. I've always thought there were similarities between the skin-flint Kennedy patriarch and the world's premier golfer - more to do with their womanising natures than their abilities with a 9 iron, however.

Elsewhere, I was shocked - and a little disturbed - to see that Toadie's impressive tie rack hangs above his bed. What sort of ornament is that? Couldn't he find a pretty picture of waves rippling against a bay? Oh yeah, Dee died in that environment. Sorry mate, my apologies.

Another of the big stories - yes, I'm counting the the tie-rack saga as a big story - was the continued strife in Kate and Declan's relationship. The dancing Ramsay got all flustered when Napier tried to deliver her his pork sword and as a result, the pair spent much of the week trying to figure out what the other wanted from their union.

It comes as no surprise to me that Dec and his fair maiden aren't getting down to some jiggy jiggy. Kate is very attractive but I just don't see her as a sexual being. She needs to learn how to be a slut - perhaps blue box-owning Susan could teach her.

Donna-stemmed musings

Sexy she may be, but Donna really is a clumsy oaf. She almost killed Ringo in a house fire some months back and her habit of setting things alight returned this week when she knocked a candle on to her fake-titted mother's diary.

Finding her dad is going to be an arduous task now, but unlike in real life where the truth would probably never have come out, this is Neighbours - expect a highly unlikely sequence of events that sees Donna and her daddy reunited.

The candle accident happened during Earth Hour - a 60-minute period where your phones should be switched off and your TVs and laptops left alone - or to put it another way - a 60-minuted period where babbling Eco-nuts try to prevent other people from getting on with their lives.

I want the world to live long and prosper but if I've got to send an e-mail, then I'm gonna damn well send one.

Hairdo annoyances

I have many wishes. I wish Karen from the BBC comedy series 'Outnumbered' was my sister, I wish I could go on a date with the stern but sexy, poker-playing TV presenter Victoria Coren, I wish my facial hair grew in a more manly way and I wish I didn't have to walk so far to get to my nearest train station.

But more than anything, I wish Zeke Kinski would get rid of his quiff. That boy's hair enters a scene before he does. He used to have an appropriate indie-band coiffure so I don't quite know what has persuaded him to go all 'Danny from Grease'. I don't like it and while we're on the subject of the Pirate Net DJ's style, lose the waistcoats as well - you're neither a snooker player nor attending a high-brow get together. SORT IT OUT.

Inappropriate shindig tunes

I'm going to keep this post short, mainly because I don't want to be a bore, but also because my attention span over the last seven days has been pitiful.

In fact, the only Ramsay Street moment I can remember irking me this week was when Susan suggested to Zeke that they play the music of Sinead O'Connor and Enya at his Irish-themed birthday bash. A women who sings about her dead mother, and the emitter of possibly the most boring sound of all time. Oh yeah, that's bound to get everyone in the party spirit.

Cutthroat cricket and medical matters

Yay. After what seems like years without it, a Ramsay Street tradition has made its welcome return - Road Cricket.

The stumps were dusted down, the bat was removed from the garage, the ball was polished and the excitement was evident.

But if anyone thought a mild-mannered, jovial game of leather on willow was going to take place, they were sorely mistaken. (I didn't mind you, Aussies don't play friendly cricket).

Instead, chafed Callum used the game to try and injure Steph, the luscious lady whose fake relationship with Toadie has seen Sonya expunged from his life.

The podgy kid may bear more of a resemblance to legendary spin bowler Shane Warne but he proved himself to be quite the Brett Lee during the cricketing escapades, almost annihilating Steph's attractive noggin with a fast-paced beamer.

But hey, why I do have a soft spot for the mixed-up Scully chick, anyone who commits the cardinal sin of batting in dainty sandals deserves all the the misery that comes their way.

Steph's ousted beau, Lucas, has had a tough time of it since she chucked him, and he even turned to Andrew Robinson's "Impress the Girl" manual this week in order to doctor his ailing love life. Lucas mate, during you time in Erinsborough you've bedded Elle, bonked Libby and canoodled with Steph, you don't need to read a manual, you need to write one.

Karl will be putting his pen down after deciding to leave his newspaper advice column and return to practicing at the town's hospital. Disgusted by the state of the sanatorium whilst being treated there for either a) a dicky heart, b) angina or c) a severe case of indigestion, KK decided he had to take evasive action, which in his mind meant re-donning his health cloak. (I know it's not called that but I wish it was).

The humorous healer will be working alongside the dishy Dr. Doug Harris at Erinsborough's body-fixing unit, a medic bound to set some of the female cast's pulses racing, if you know what I mean.