Heed this advice residents of Ramsay Street: steer clear of motorbikes. In all my years of watching Neighbours, nothing good has ever come of donning the leathers, plonking on a crash helmet and going on a two-tyred jaunt.
Erinsborough's inhabitants have enough trouble staying safe in the confines of a car - see the now-defunct Bridget Parker and magnificently norked Dionne "Dee" Bliss - and when the number of wheels on the vehicle is decreased by half, peril becomes doubly likely.
Just a few months back, Lucas went biking, crashed into a lorry and almost paralysed himself for life, Libby's fruitless ambition of spawning children is the fault of her scootering experience, and now Dan, just like his ex-wife, is unable to procreate all because he thought sitting on a saddle and blitzing his way down the open road was a sterling idea. It wasn't. He tumbled into a tree, got an infection in hospital and now his balls don't work.
The tragic turn of events has prompted Steph to inform the stricken Fitzgerald that he is the father of her unborn bambino. Whether or not she goes through with the tell-all, this saga of carnal blunders, paternal perjury, sham marriages and deceit amongst friends is about to unravel.
Libby wanted to cheer up her former flame by sending him a present, but she could not decide whether flowers or fruit would be the best gift. Flowers? Fruit? Dan is a man. Ship him a Top Gear box set, some beer or a year's supply of porn. Alright, maybe not the beer.
KerPlunk would even be an acceptable bounty. I always like a bit of marble-on-plastic rod action when I'm feeling under the weather. Coincidentally, I'm spending most of my nights playing the game at the moment. Not because I'm planning to enter an international KerPlunk competition, I just can't sleep, what with images of Paul and Diana's salacious tryst imbued in my brain.